A Revealing Question

On a peaceful spring morning at the park, my precious six-year-old granddaughter, Jaime, seemed content at least for the moment to sit quietly beside me at a picnic table. She colored in her new ballerina coloring book while I made entries into my journal. 

After a while, her sweet angelic voice vibrated through the silence. 

“Nana, will you push me on the swing?” 

“Yes, Angel Face, just as soon as I’m finished writing.”

“Nana, why do you write?” To my surprise, I answered without hesitation.

“So someday you might know me better.” My answer seemed to satisfy us both.

I put down my pen and started to walk with her toward the swings. She hopped on one foot then the other, avoiding the cracks on the sidewalk. All the while she pleaded, “Watch me, Nana, watch me!” 

Her voice sounded distant while her earlier question played in my head; over and over like a phonograph needle stuck on a record groove. 

“Why do you write, why do you write?” In all the years I had never asked myself that question.

My thoughts were interrupted upon hearing, “Nana! Watch what I can do.” She did a somersault. As she flipped over, I saw for an instant not her face, but the face of my own little girl who grew up to be her mother.

I held my breath until the next flip revealed Jamie’s smiling face again. Then in a heartbeat, the answer as to why I write was as clear to me as the sky above us.

My writing is the aftermath of the resentments I have harbored for the years that too rapidly vanished. Also, my writing is an opportunity to revisit my life experiences with new-found knowledge. Journal and memoir writing is my vehicle; it drives me to find out who I’ve been and who I’ am before I must turn in my ticket to ride. 

But for now, the insight is mine alone. Though my writing bares my vulnerabilities at times, it won’t make a difference to me when I’m gone; but to those who have loved me I will be leaving my authentic self  which is “My Soul made visible.”    

“Nana, are you watching me?”

“Yes, I’m watching you, Jaime,” I said out loud. Then I whispered to my soul, Nana is watching with all her heart.

Yolanda Adele is a member of the writing class offered through the Cerritos College Adult Education Program.  It is held off-campus at the Norwalk Senior Center.